Do Kermit and The Hulk look pale in your emerald shadow? Is the Green-eyed Monster envious of your carbon footprint? All my answers to that are now YES. Constant nagging from the media and green planatics has had me adapt my life somewhat to harmonise me with their eco wishes and appease their sensibilities. For them (and a greater being too); a list of my good deeds that’ll hopefully have me looked favourably upon:
1. I’ve ripped out my lungs to cut my carbon emissions and now source my energy from my genetically modified photosynthetic skin; side-effect is I’m more jaded now than jaundiced; It’s not easy being green, but hey, it’s for the greater good.
2. I now recycle all my waste by eating it (recurrently). A perpetual ‘motion’ machine if you like; any spare energy is fed back into the grid.
3. I ride to work (on an old christmas tree (technology courtesy of a witch I know) in the wake and on the vapour trails of airliners. My dalliance with these beasts of the sky has me scooping up their exhaust gasses as I surf the turbulence and hurtling all that’s harmful in them into space.
Incidentally – after touching down at my office…
4. I settle into my work as a wind turbine cranker; heavy going, then again, I was never told it’d be a breeze. But lunchtimes are my own, it is then I flip the lid of my geothermal laptop and log into my account as an agent for an extremist splinter cell – an offshoot (very green one) of Greenpeace to dot the i’s and cross the t’s on the plot of the carbon economy’s downfall. But shhh Mum’s the word.
The Green Goddess come the Rapture and the Ozone Hole Apocalypse will hopefully now spare me.